Having just re-financed my beloved car, I received a contract entitled Demands & Needs. My immediate response was that I might re-purpose it for my own use if I get asked out on a date. It then got me thinking about a wider purpose and relevance. Getting better at setting expectations for ourselves or for any given situation can make us feel a lot better in our daily life.
Could Demands & Needs be a good little contract we write just for ourselves, even if we are the only ones that sign it? Something to keep ourselves on track.
The dating example is not intended to be a finger snapping, tough girl stance ( I Demand & Need kindness, honesty and a jolly good sense of humour as a baseline), but I think it is equally applied to everyone and in different situations, particularly when it comes to work.
A few of my clients have recently had some ah-ha moments where they have understood tendencies they are prone to which don’t serve them particularly well, leading to feeling a little wretched and wrung out. By proactively questioning what they expect and need from a situation, they are better equipped to make it happen for themselves, leading to a more spring- in-step type of feeling.
Are you clear on your expectations and are they reasonable?
Are you clear on your expectations for yourself? That is not a rhetorical question. I genuinely wonder. I know I have set my own expectations seriously high. In the past when I don’t meet them, I then gave myself a double dose of negative chat. Not great.
“I have failed at my expectations. I am not good enough. I feel weak for not being good enough.”
I am aware I do this, or used to do this. It’s not helpful and got me into a world of tangled mess and pain. It’s a bad habit I have worked to un-learn. Were my blueprint expectations un-reasonable in the first place? Do you do that? Again, genuine question.
We expect ourselves to work without a break
We expect to jump out of bed every day with the same level of energy
We expect to have the same emotions
We expect to be always fearless
These are just examples, but do we tend to idealise the perfect outcome and then, if we don’t achieve it, does that then default to failure?
Writing your own Demands & Needs Contract
Get super clear on your expectations in any situation to avoid the dreaded feeling of deflation or worse, derailment.
How often have you gone into a meeting, conversation or interview with a colleague, lover, potential client or employer and walked away feeling you have given everything but got little in return? Have you been put through the wringer and walked away feeling inelegant, ineloquent and not matching the swagger of your opponent?
If this totally common pitfall is all too familiar, would it help you to set out your own Demands & Needs beforehand? Essentially, get super clear on your expectations in any situation to avoid the dreaded feeling of deflation or worse, derailment.
This can be a back-of-envelope exercise, or just in your own head. It depends how much you actually listen to the voice in your own head. Writing it down often makes a greater commitment to yourself.
1. What do you actually want to get out of this?
Seems obvious but can you list two to three desired outcomes?
More money?
Experience?
Respect?
Don’t be shy. It’s your list. Be super honest in fact. Crystal clear specificity: what do you want/need to get out of this?
2. What is the most realistic outcome?
I am not talking capitulate to Plan B before you have even tried for Plan A, but assess the outcome you think might happen.
Does that work for you? What is your baseline?
If you anticipate the most realistic outcome in advance, it may be less likely to derail you. Equally, you may be more prepared to walk away because it doesn’t match your baseline.
3. What is in your control?
If you are going for an interview, meeting a potential client or somehow perceive the other person to be wielding more status, that can make you feel as if the whole thing is out of your control.
If you are in an interview it almost certainly means that the interviewer has a problem they need to solve, and you might be the solution. Don’t let their swagger or potential upper hand let you forget that.
Your preparation is in your control. Your experience is in your control. Your empathy for their problem could well be in your control. The situation might be different, but being on top of your control factors in advance will help you manage your Demands & Needs.
Demands & Needs of {Insert your name}
*please sign and return*
Let me be clear, I am not saying that you should lower your standards, be un-ambitious and just let yourself off the hook. Quite the opposite.
By setting realistic expectations for yourself and the situations you find yourself in, you open yourself up to grow and develop. It helps you to navigate life’s more messy moments and keep you on your eloquent, elegant, self-assured path.
Very best,
Natalie
PS Give it a go and please let me know how it went for you. I really would love to know. I share this with a genuine hope and desire that it could help you in the same way it helped me.
PP.S Sometimes we just need simple boost to get back on track. The Friday Orange is my weekly email with 3 thoughts to amplify your purpose and performance. Sign up to The Friday Orange.
If you liked it and would like more help to make a change in an area of your life then drop me a line. I would love to talk to you.
