If you subscribe to my weekly newsletter, I recently wrote about acknowledging our own behaviour rather than judging it in order to bring about effective change. How can we un-learn self-judgement and why is it important? I wanted to shed some more light on that idea with some practical steps to put it into practice.
Quick exercise:
If I ask you to judge yourself, how does it make you feel?
If I ask you to acknowledge yourself, how does that make you feel?
What is the difference?
If anyone else has watched that deeply troubling show on Netflix, The Social Dilemma, you will have seen, or been reminded, how much our society is geared towards praise. So much so that a lack of praise i.e. no likes, is perceived as “don’t like” or as a negative.
Now, apply this to how you review yourself: your actions, behaviour and performance.
Is it more judgement of your actions? (positive or negative, it could be either of course)
or
Acknowledging your actions as a matter of fact?
The difference might seem subtle, but the results are vastly different.
Simple example:
“Damn it, I am late for my appointment again! You spent too long faffing on nonsense and now you’re late, what a bloody idiot.”
“I am late for my appointment again. I left tasks to the last minute, which didn’t give me the time I really needed to leave the house and be on time. Next time, I will set an alarm for myself 30 minutes before I have to leave.”
If you’re human and like me, you probably tend to do the former, right? The latter is how you might offer feedback to someone else though. It’s objective feedback. Why? Because you don’t want them to be late, you just want them to be on time. That is the desired outcome. If you heap on criticism, that isn’t a great motivator for change, is it?
Why do we give ourselves such a hard time then? How can we un-learn that self-judgement?
Unlearning self-criticism and trusting ourselves
If we are trying to bring about change in ourselves: improving a current skill, being a better partner, starting a new business, why would we be more successful if we are constantly emotionally judging our own behaviour rather than objectively acknowledging it?
Praise can be as unproductive to change as criticism. If we become used to praise and there is then a lack of it, it is perceived as bad. No likes = don’t like, remember?
When I work with clients, I promise them a non-judgemental space to work in. That is because it’s the most effective way to facilitate change. I encourage, without blowing smoke up their chimneys and I challenge so that they can objectively determine that their choices are the right ones for them.
We need to trust ourselves more: so that with objective feedback, free from negative or positive judgement, we have the capability to perform at our best.
Do away with emotional feedback to yourself and practice objective interest in your own results.
To make this even more simple, here are four questions to try and implement objective feedback. I am going to use the previous late example.
Test yourself with this, don’t just take my word. Pick something you do that you want to change.
1. Watch how you currently do it
Can you deliver this feedback to yourself in an objective, detached way? Almost nonchalant.
“You are late again. You underestimate how long it takes to leave your house to arrive at the appointment. You really need 10 minutes to walk to the station. You leave late because your bag isn’t packed, and you can’t find your keys.”
2. What does success look like in this area?
Specifically, what does the desired outcome look like?
“I walk up to the appointment cool, calm and collected, ready to go. In order to be on time, leave the house at 11am. Set an alarm at 10am to pack my bag and put my keys in the inside pocket. Set an alarm for 10:30am as a 30 minute warning to leave.”
3. Just do it and trust that you got this
You have given yourself the instruction and the desired outcome. You now know what you want it to look like. Remember, you want this. YOU want this!
Trusting yourself doesn’t mean do nothing, chill and hope for the best. It just means give yourself instruction, listen and do. Scrap the running commentary and just do it. (Thanks Nike, please sponsor me, love you). 
When I was training to be an actor, we used to approach a scene with the attitude: “What is the least I need to do to achieve my objective in the scene.” In all things we always need to be efficient.
Trust yourself that you have the ability to complete the instruction based on the desired outcome.
4. Observe the results without judgement. And repeat.
What happened? Give yourself factual feedback only. Did you achieve the result? What could you tweak in the approach next time to get the desired result?
“I walked up to the appointment calmer but not quite my desired vision of poise. I left the house at 11:05am. The 10am bag alarm worked well. There was too much of a gap between the 10:30am alarm and the point of leaving. Next time, set an alarm both 15 minutes and 5 minutes before I need to leave.”
You can’t learn to swim by reading a book, so test these four questions out on yourself. Are you trying to change the way you do something unsuccessfully? It is good to test with something physical where you can see very tangible results.
If we can cut out the negative judgment, giving only objective feedback, I absolutely trust in your ability to improve.
If we truly trust ourselves, that we really got this, that would achieve the elusive self-confidence.
Wouldn’t it?
Very best,
Natalie
PS Give it a go and please let me know how it went for you. I really would love to know. I share this with a genuine hope and desire that it could help you in the same way it helped me.
PP.S Sometimes we just need simple boost to get back on track. The Friday Orange is my weekly email with 3 thoughts to amplify your purpose and performance. Sign up to The Friday Orange.
If you liked it and would like more help to make a change in an area of your life then drop me a line. I would love to talk to you.
