It’s that time of year again. The time when we all ponder what brilliant new positive habit or change we will incorporate into our life on January 1st. Then slowly start to feel guilty by about January 10th, and then barely remember what it even was by January 28th. Rather than forming a new positive habit, we will just be hanging out with our old pals, guilt and self-loathing, for a while. I have been thinking about this because so many people tell me that they want to build positive habits, but struggle. So, why is that?
Question:
Is it harder to start a habit?
Or, harder to maintain a habit?
I could pad this out for days, dress it up and sugar coat it but the truth is, as far as I can see, the No.1 reason for not starting or not maintaining a habit is this:
It’s just not that important to you.
Remember dear reader, I never judge. This is not a judgement. It is a statement of fact. I state facts to help you un-pack the issue, in order to move forward.
Wise words from early naughties Hollywood Rom Com
Did you see that movie “He’s Just Not That into You”? (Caveat – this applies to all genders)
If a guy or girl likes you, they’ll see you. If they don’t, you’ll make up excuses.
If the habit you want to adopt is actually truly important to you, you will find a way to do it. Don’t waste energy hanging out with guilt and self-loathing whilst you make up excuses.
Now you might say it is totally important to you, which is good! Keep that in mind. But, you might also be on the cusp of telling me “no time, energy or I have tried and failed before”.
The Hard Road to Self-Sabotage
Let me ask you about the habit you are thinking of, or have previously tried but been unsuccessful to start or maintain.
If it is so important to you, are you secretly sabotaging yourself with any of the following:
Setting the bar way too high to start with
If you are unreasonable in your expectation of what you can do, of course it will be hard to get started.
Making them un-appealing or scary to do
If it is hugely unappealing to start, then why would you? I am telling you now, I am not going running in the cold, dark, rain at Oh Christ Hundred Hours. It’s just not happening, and I like to run!
Trying it in an environment that doesn’t support your success
Are you surrounded by more appealing reasons not to start or maintain the habit you are choosing?
Do you think only huge, drastic action will work?
Small, consistent effort over time actually has way more long-term impact. Ask any elite athlete.
How did you answer these questions?
How do they measure up against: It’s just not that important to you?
The Discipline Lies we tell ourselves
It would be remiss of me to leave out discipline when it comes to starting and maintaining a habit.
Lie 1 I am not disciplined enough
- What are you basing that on?
- If you tell yourself that, what result do you expect?
- And finally, for what?
- Guaranteed you have been disciplined “enough” about something in your life, even if it is just telling yourself how undisciplined you are…
- If you keep telling yourself you are not disciplined enough, you won’t ever be.
- Are you setting yourself a stupidly hard habit to start in the first place?
Lie 2 That person is way more disciplined than me
Comparison is not only the thief of joy, it also doesn’t help you because that person’s journey is totally different to yours. You have no idea about all the experiences that led them to the point they are at and more importantly, WHY they are doing it.
It’s not just what lead them to that point, it’s also why they are doing it now – how IMPORTANT it is to them. You also shouldn’t feel that just because someone else is doing something, you should too. Should is a terrible motivator.
How important is it really?
Deciding how important is this new habit is, lies entirely at your door. If you are being truthful to yourself, if it really is important, these steps will help you start and more importantly maintain positive habits:
Make it easy
Make it appealing
Set your environment for success
Steady consistency delivers longer lasting results
We are all disciplined when something really matters to us. Whatever that is to you.
If the habit you want to adopt is actually truly important to you, you will find a way to do it. I have every faith in your potential to succeed.
If it isn’t, move on, don’t waste energy hanging out with guilt and self-loathing. You deserve better.
Very best,
Natalie
P.S It can be really hard to question ourselves deeply enough to uncover the truth. We are all experts at hiding things from ourselves. If you want support to uncover just how important, or actually unimportant something is, I can help with that. Please drop me a line.
PP.S Sometimes we just need a simple boost to get back on track. The Friday Orange is my weekly email with 3 thoughts to amplify your purpose and performance. Sign up to The Friday Orange.
